Blood is thicker than water, coffee is thicker than blood.

Sitting at IHOP with my three best friends on a Saturday night, enjoying our endless coffee and a mountain of pancakes, we were laughing at jokes and whispering the dirty ones. We talked about girls, the way they walk, the way they talk, that sexy way a girl bites her bottom lip when she gets excited. Most of all this group of 19-21 year old boys just sits and enjoys the company of each other, bullshitting and drinking coffee, just like old men do. All of us were either loosely Mormon or had all but left the church, I was the latter. This last semester at college I did a research essay on the Book of Abraham, the last book in the book of Mormon combo set, its right after the Book of Mormon and Doctor and covenants called the "Pearl of great price." I once was told "the quickest way to destroy your faith is to study history," and it did. I lost my faith researching the L.D.S. church. The only problem with leaving the Mormon church was all of my family was still Mormon. Not just my Mom, Dad and brothers, but my ENTIRE family, cousins second cousins and so on, except for my cousin Amoray and I didn't see her much, but I always loved playing chess with her even though I could never beat her, even though she was three years my younger.
I took a long sip of my coffee that, to some, would have had to much cream and sugar, but that's the way I like it. I cringed when a familiar voice said, "hey Scott, what are you doing here?" It's hard not to recognise your brothers voice, it's even harder not to feel awkward when your return missionary brother shows up when your drinking coffee and hanging out with your non-Mormon friends.
"O' just grabbing some late late dinner, and killing time. What 'bout you?"
noticing my coffee the conversation became uncomfortable, "same thing... Is that coffee?"
"Yep."
"Okay, I'll talk to you later."

My brother walked back to a corner booth where a few friends waited with an assortment of cokes, sprites, waters and hot chocolates. I felt it was time to go. My friends and I paid our tabs and took off, not caring or knowing where we would go. We ended up at Kenneth's house, having a couple beers and watching "The Goonies" on his basement T.V.

Most of my extended family was in town the following week, my 8 year old cousin was getting baptized on Monday then Thanksgiving was Thursday and a family brunch Friday morning. Even though I didn't believe in the church it was still expected of me to attend the baptism of my cousin, so I did. I watched the baptism and though "poor kid, doesn't know what she's getting into. How can you choose a religion for the rest of your life at age 8? I couldn't decide my favorite cereal at 8, how can you pick your God at 8?" I kept my mouth shut and watched. After the ceremony was over and family was just chit-chatting I walked around looking for someone to talk to, about anything other than religion. Its not that I don't like my relatives, or that we don't get along. I like all of my cousins, a lot, I just didn't want to talk about God or the baptism.
I found my cousin Amoray sitting by a piano looking bored. I struck up a conversation talking about school, the weather, the Thanksgiving party in three days, anything to keep from remembering I was at a baptism for a religion I felt had lied to me. Eventually I told her about my brother coming into IHOP and seeing me drink coffee, she laughed, "if that's the worst thing you're doing I think your brother should relax." We laughed. Soon after that my 8 year old cousin and her father came back into the room for the family to congratulate her on being baptized and becoming a "new" member of the church. Thankfully I was able to go home shortly after.

Strangely, my brother never brought up me drinking coffee like I thought he would. I think its because he knew I didn't go to church anymore and he didn't want to discuss why. Mormons are a funny group, they pride them selves on education and higher learning, they even have their own college, BYU, but they also pride them selves on believing in impossible things. They refuse to look at evidence that Joseph smith was a lying son of a bitch, but at the same time have an amazing record keeping system for family history and tell all the members to keep journals for posterity's sake. There are a thousand ways to disprove the LDS church, and yet they take pride in their faith of it.

The week few by and the next thing I know I headed to my aunt Marti's house to have Thanksgiving dinner with almost all of my extended family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins, my cousin's kids, all sitting around 4 large tables filled with turkey, stuffing, candy'd yams, and my favorite, pumpkin pie. I talked to my cousins sitting next to me, Trenton, Michael, their younger brother Ethan, Amoray and Nathan. We all stuffed our faces with the amazing food. There are two things the Speakmans know how to do, build and cook.

After we had eaten more food than we thought possible, everyone spread out across the house finding every couch, chair or bed available to sit on, finding anything comfortable where they plop down and not move until they were ready to go home that night. I found my self in my cousin Amoray's room along with my 15 year old cousin Ethan. Amoray and I talked for a while about religion, she was an atheist and I was trying to find a religion I could believe in. I shared a story about my friend dying three months back and how angry I was at God, yelling and screaming "FUCK YOU GOD!" as I drove down the highway. I told her how I hated god for a while, then I let it go. I started going to the bible church and I was feeling better about religion. All my cousin Ethan heard was the "fuck you god."

The next morning was the Friday brunch at my aunt Lori and uncle Lindon's house, where all the family's got together before everyone headed back home. I got there a few minutes early, I liked my aunt Lori a lot. When I was 13 they let me move in with them when I was having problems with school. I moved three states away from my mom and dad and spent six months living with my cousins as part of the family, except my uncle Lindon, he never really liked me, he never likes anyone. He is a cold calculating person who believes fear is the best way to make people listen to you. Other than him, living with my cousins was a great experience, and I learned a lot from it. Then a couple years later they moved down to Utah and I was so excited to have them live in the same state as me.
When I walked in I smelled pancakes or waffles cooking in the kitchen and headed up stairs to see my cousins. We joked and played for a little while throwing a foot ball back and forth across Michael's room when Lindon came in and said, "Scott can I talk to you?"
"This cant be good," I thought as I followed him in to the master bed room.
We sat down on the bed and he said, "Scott I know your going through some rough times, but there are some things I need to talk to you about."
"rough times" I thought, My grandpa died, my friend jumped out of a truck and died and I lost my religion in the last six months I call that a fucked up year.
"At Thanksgiving I saw Ethan come out from Amoray's room, and he had darkness in his eyes and told me all about how you were proud you cussed God out." I tried to tell him about the whole story but he didn't want to hear it.
"Scott you know the church is true. You've known it your whole life. Now if your going to turn your back on it that's your choice. Kalie told me she over heard you are drinking coffee and think its funny that you got caught."
"I never said I thought it was funny, and your daughter eves dropping on a Private conversation is not my fault."
"Scott one day you'll come back to the church and understand what your doing"
"Well Lindon, maybe one day I will. I don't know the future, I COULD be wrong about the church." Never to miss a moment he jumped on the maybe, "See you know the church is true!"
"Scott," he leaned in like he cares about me, "we need to protect our children from evils of the world, Lori and I feel like we need to protect our children from you."
All I can say is "okay?" I'm shocked not knowing how to feel.
"We don't want you coming around, we think your a bad influence on our kids, and we want you to leave."
"okay" I said holding back my rage, my sorrow, my pain.
I walked down the stairs where my mom is sitting in the front room, obviously unaware of the pre-planned conversation.
I walk up to my mom and whisper in her ear "your sister and her husband just kicked me out of their house." she looked at me confused like she had miss heard me, "what?" I repeated what I had said and walked out the front door and got in my car, leaving my mother dumbfounded.
I almost made it half way home before I started balling like a little kid who was just beat up by the school bully. I thought "this is what looking for your faith gets you?"

I know there are only 2 or 3

I know there are only 2 or 3 people that read my blog. I know it has not inspired anyone to change their life or even their point of view, but I still think that this blog has some value to it if only to me. I like having a place to share my feelings, thoughts, view points and not feel like i need to censor my self to keep from offending anyone. If you read my blog it's your own damn fault, I didn't make you open this page or spout off my ideas in a crowded room, you entered freely.
So to those of you who read this endless ramble that is my blog, thank you, and for those who read it and then get upset about the content, your an idiot.

Sincerely,
Scott