the struggle

In the last few weeks I've taken some hard hits to my ego and some harder hits to my wallet. I've been stressed out, knocked down and beat up emotionally. I deal with things using humor, but this month the humor is to close to the truth so it's not funny anymore. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I'm trying to get my concealed carry classes going again, but I'm worried that wont be enough to make up the difference of the hours I just had cut at work. Its amazing how you don't understand the bad economy until it affects you in such a strong way.

The things we don't talk about.

We all have things in our lives that we don't talk about, awkward things that are uncomfortable to bring up, or hurtful memories. We all have those, things we wish we never did or facts we'd like left unsaid. We have these things in our self, in our family and in our state. Just for fun lets talk about the things we don't talk about in Utah.
first, Utah is the #1 user of anti depressants in the united states. Hell, we pop them like pez in Utah. Why is it that we are so depressed in Utah, how do you explain it. My thought is that Mormons in Utah are held to an impossible standard of morality, kindness and religious obligation. A standard that can rarely, if ever, be lived up to. When you feel like everyone else is living such a clean perfect life, you feel like a failure that you cant keep up with the Jones's. The other problem we have is we hide who we truly are from one another to keep from being judged, criticized, shunned or "disciplined." We start to live 2 lives, one you show to the world and one you only show your friends, and sometimes you show it no one at all. If you feel like you cant live up to your standards and you have things you are constantly trying to hide of course your going to be depressed! So do we need the pills? NO! just accept your limitations and don't lead a double life.
2nd suicide. Utah is #9 on suicide.org for suicides at 15.9 per 100,000 people.
3rd Internet porn. First I ask you, how is that not funny? We put our self's out there as the moral guides of America and yet we masturbate more than any other state! That is just funny shit! Ok, that said lets look at this from a few different angles. first is genetics. Many people from Utah come from polygamist family's. When the LDS church first started it practiced polygamy and what kind of men would leave their church up root their family's and face constant persecution? Religious fanatics, and perverts wanting to bang 7 girls at a time. So is there a genetic link why we are a horny state? Another point of view is that porn is a sin that leaves no mark. What I mean by that is with cigarettes you stink, with beer you are obviously drunk, with an affair there is a second person involved. With Internet porn you look at it, clean your history, and no one knows about it. So it's a sin that is hidden from the world. Lastly I think it could be a combination of getting away with something you know you shouldn't do, and like before there is not proof.

So my point is that if you are doing it, so are a lot of other people. Enjoy life and be good to other people, most importantly be yourself and don't let others dictate who you should be.

Better than therapy?

This last week has been a rough one and I've been having some major blues. This morning my cousin/best friend kirk, called me up and wanted to go shoot some .22's because the ammo is cheap and I have 3 types of them. At first the Idea of shooting was as appealing as peeing my pants and staying in them all day. Yet non the less I decided to go with him and his brother. We 4x4'd his car up a mountain road, set up some soda cans and had a blast. It's been almost 8 months since I've been shooting and I have forgotten how therapeutic it is to fire off a few hundred rounds. In the hour that we shot I worked out more emotional problems then a month of weekly counseling. I now remember why I shoot, and why I do archery, it's calming. It allows you to focus on one thing at a time and forget everything else. It allows your mind to sort and process everything. It is a meditation, much like floating in a pool is to me, with out the deep thought.
If you watch this clip it's the type of shooting I did for a couple years, when you are in a comp, and the buzzer goes off you forget everything in your life, you almost forget your name. It is the closest thing to feeling out of body I have ever had, you just act, there is no thinking.



So thank you Kirk, you gave me exactly what I needed today.

Life is a funny thing

Life in general is a crazy thing. We make plans, we work as hard as we can to get somewhere in life, then something comes along and throws us a completely different direction that we didn't expect. This week has been a trial on my mind and soul. I have been forced to search inward and look at my self and problems in my life as well as look at the things that matter most to me. I've found things that once mattered and guided my life have become just things, and things I saw as simple and common have become the keystones of my life.
This weekend I am selling another one of my guns (sold one 2 weeks ago). My firearm collection has been the pride and joy of my life since I bought my first gun. I literally saw them as my reason to work. I would work for money to buy and shoot guns, that was it. So why am i selling them? I want to be debt free and be able to live without the stress of owing people money. My wife and I are not starving or close to loosing our house, I just cant stand to owe people money, so I'm selling whatever I haven't used recently, that includes some of my guns. I'm also selling the weapons collection I've been working on since 12, sai's, staffs, knives, police batons and so on. It's been rough to see your favorite things become just things. disillusionment is a hard thing.
secondly I have had a shitty week at work. I feel underpaid and over worked, but that's how 90% of Americans feel so I'm not alone. I've just been stressed, and the fact that my eye has been twitching for the last 5 days hasn't helped much. not to mention the lack of good sleep. I have been having bad dreams and waking up 4-10 times a night.
As I said before though the little things I took as common have changed to the things I value most. On Wednesday I got some bad news, that I don't want to talk about here, and when I came home I felt like absolute shit. my dog without missing a thing came up to me and gently put his head on my lap. that night he curled up next to me and just stayed there until I fell asleep. It's amazing how animals can pick up feelings. I haven't wanted to talk about my feelings this week to anyone, but my dog has been the greatest comfort I have ever had in a time of need. I've never seen my wife as common but this week she has exceeded every expectation I've ever had. she has been the most loving kind person you could ever ask for. I love that woman. and lastly swimming. I've always loved water, I do my best thinking while just floating in a pool, but this Thursday my wife and I went to the pool and I was able to put my mind back together in the 90 min we were there, just relaxing in the deep end.
It's strange the importance we put on things and how we think that we control our lives. We have very little control, and nothing material matters. as I was floating in the pool Thursday I had the thought, "The things that matter most in your life will always change, so never hold to something so tightly that you are afraid to let it go. Life is simple, yet reason and logic cannot explain why things happen the way they happen, for people are not logical. So be like water, when it is in a river it is the river. when water is in a glass it becomes the glass. Be like water and flow in and out of where you are meant to be." It might not make sense but trust me it was profound to me at the time.

How I'm feeling tonight and one of my favorite poems

The Genius Of The Crowd
By Charles Bukowski.

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

1984 by George orwell, and why it's my favorite book

In my English 1010 at snow college we had to read 1984 by George Orwell. At first I thought "I hate assigned reading." As I continued to read this phenomenal book I became enthralled. People say the Bible is a "living book," and that it is applicable throughout time. If any book is a "living book" it's 1984. George Orwell wrote a book that shows every political party's dream, a world they completely control, and having a mindless population that will follow unquestioningly and forget anything that contradicts what has been said before. There are many ways that this book is applicable to our daily lives, not just with our political leaders but with, religious leaders, private business, or just old fashioned peer pressure.
I want to go through these influences that are so predominant in our lives, starting with the least important and going to the things that effects us, at least according to me.
1. Peer pressure. There was a study done that proves my point completely about how we as people conform because we fear being out cast or singled out from the crowd, the study was the Asch Conformity Experiment (1953). If everyone around us is going one way, we are likely to follow, even if we think it's the wrong way to go. We are more comfortable when we are part of a group than when we are singled out.

2. Private companies. Our minds are bombarded with adds everywhere. We see adds on billboards, in news papers, on bathroom walls and even sent to our homes in "saver packs." We are conditioned to want things we don't need, to vote one way or another, to do things because "that's just what you do." if you see a billboard a 100 times a day for a plumbing company who will you think of first when your toilet clogs up?
3. Political parties. If you've read the book this needs no explanation. if you haven't read the book, do.



4. Religion. This book constantly reminds me of the control that all religions have over their followers. They have destroyed the things that make us human. they destroyed sex, making it only for procreation a.k.a. "doing your duty," taking out of a way to connect to another human being. They also turn children against their parents, making a child a spy within the home. They take away your ability to think for yourself by conditioning people by repeating things like "I know our church is true" or "I know that Jesus died for my sins." How can one "know" these things, they can feel them of suspect its true, but not know it. If you repeat something enough times you start to believe it.
1984 is one of the most influential books in my life. It has changed how I critically think about almost everything. if you haven't read this book you need to. It will rock your world if you take the time to understand how it still applicable to us today.





"War is peace
freedom is slavery
ignorance in strength"

Money

It's amazing how quickly money, no matter how much, or little is involved can destroy a marriage, friendship, or even a person. We work for it, we try to save it, we have a lot more of it then we really need, yet we crave it to our core as humans. So what to we do with our money? We spend it on stuff, stuff we don't really even need. "Do you have a car? well screw your 3 year old, perfectly fine car! Buy a new one for only $10,000 more than what you still owe on the last one!" if we put all car commercials in that format no one would buy a new car, so we make it a status symbol and suddenly everyone "needs" a new car. Who cares if you will be in debt until your 60, it's the american dream! We buy more things than we could ever need and spend more on it than we should be able to justify. I'm sick of material shit, life has a higher meaning.